A main symptom of depression is losing interest in absolutely everything. This is how I personally feel and everyone is different. I am only sharing my own experience. You may find being around people you love helps you but for me, I would rather hide and ignore the world. Those people who I love the most and would spend hours talking to, I don’t want to hear from. It’s really strange. I ignore calls and text. Oh, I can’t think of anything worse than sitting there and Facetiming one of my friends. I feel guilty, it makes me feel like I can’t be there for them or even check up on them. I don’t know why I feel like this. People say that love helps get your through which is true but their love doesn’t seem to matter to me. I find myself pushing people away and ignoring them. I don’t want to but I feel like I have no energy or emotion to give to them. I have no words left to give. I feel like I have been avoiding people I love the most and I really wish I could stop. It’s like I can’t be bothered. Especially the ones I feel understand it less.
The people I choose to talk to are the ones that I feel understand this feeling or just know. I hate being asked how I am or if I am feeling better and I know this comes from a place of love but it makes me feel worse for not feeling better. For not being able to give them the answer are wanting to hear. I know some of them have learnt to stop asking and just send me heart emoji’s now. I know I am lucky and blessed to have such loving and caring friends and family but feeling like this makes me push them away. I wish I knew why. The desire to want to speak for hours on the phone to friends has left. It all seems like too much effort but why when it was something so normal and natural before? Energy is so sparse.
Lots of people say this is reinforcing a negative behaviour pattern and you are only isolating yourself further which means you will feel more depressed. I don’t think so. If you haven’t been depressed then you are not qualified to give advice like go see friends because that simply does not work. If that worked I wouldn’t be sat here typing this. Depression is a complex illness and so different for each individual which makes it even more complicated to understand.
Everyone is different, as I keep saying but maybe some of you can relate to me.
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