Collect Moments. Not Things. Live in the moment. Not worrying about the future and fretting over the past. These are things I am learning to teach myself. To train myself, my mind.
Recently my therapist asked me what my ‘happiest’ memory is. I sat and thought what do I say? And which do I pick? It made me think and I suppose the conversation we had after inspired me to write this. We spoke about how I often find myself worrying about the future and things that haven’t even happened yet. I neglect the present moment by stressing about what might or might not happen in the weeks, months and years ahead. Is this normal? I asked her. Do others feel the same way? Why does my mind allow me to get so worked up and stressed about a future event that may not even occur? A future that…who know? May not even exist. We only assume, but none of us are promised a tomorrow. For some, tomorrow never comes. More reason to live in the moment and enjoy it. I know it sounds very cliché but it’s true. I write this like I know how to live in the moment. I don’t. It’s easier to write about than do. I am still healing and I am still learning. We learn every day. I just like to throw my thoughts and feelings out onto the universe. Who knows…?
We spoke about how I have always thought of the worst possible scenario. During CBT they tell you that instead of allowing your mind to think what if… You should say to yourself what if the best case scenario happens rather than the worst. I don’t know. Are we humans conditioned to think this way or is it just me? Does everyone dream up the worst nightmare for themselves? I told her that I think the worst so that when that event does happen and I get to that bridge, I don’t feel disappointed or hurt. By imaging the worst, I am somehow saving myself a little less pain. I don’t know. I always think to myself, lets imagine the worst so we are prepared for it. That is not a healthy way to think. Maybe you are like me and do this too. I don’t know where I get it from. Almost a sort of habit I can’t kick way. If only we could kick our negative thoughts far away or bury them beneath the sea. They always find a way of creeping back into the forefront of my mind. Niggling away but sometimes you have to just forcefully throw it all away (the thoughts and feelings) and even when you are in a constant state or worry, ignore it. Mindfulness, meditation and yoga are all great examples of bringing yourself back in the moment. Calming that ‘chatter’ in your mind. Helping you to calm down and relax. I have been finding it hard to mediate properly, the journey my mind takes me on while I sit and focus is not the greatest…. ! (Also, we have to remember that our primitive brain is designed to keep us safe and alive which is why we enter this fight or flight mode).
I read a quote online which resonated with me…. “Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.” It’s easy to forget this, especially when depression forces your undivided attention on it. Following you around every moment. But remember this on those good days. & I hope your good days becomes endless so you never see or feel a bad day like this. The true beauty of nature never leaves us just like the beauty and strength you search for. It never leaves you and it has always been there. You may have never needed it before but it was always there so stop searching.
Love
Z x
This is a great reflection, I’m glad to hear you are making progress. I have found that it can take months for the brain/body to relax from the fight or flight state where we are constantly preparing for the worst. Like you said, we are trying avoid further pain, but that plan backfires with constant worry and anxiety about the future. I think it helps to be with animals or nature, because they are always in the present, so they help keep me in the moment. There are so many subtle details to notice when watching animals, for a time I forget my worries and just feel the soft warm fur, and see the gentle rise and fall of their chest with each breath. I am now in a better mindset, and have hope for the future. My mind and body have relaxed and I can think, even if the worst happens I WILL SURVIVE and find way forward. But right now I am surrounded by light and peace, and that is all I need.
xx
We will always find a way forward, no matter what. Some days are awful other days are better. Sometimes I wonder what is real and what isn’t. I feel like I’m in a dream like state but more of the nightmare kind… I am taking it one day at a time. Animals, nature, writing, art, crafts, cooking, books and speaking to others like yourself help to soothe the soul. Thank you xxxx
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